The lies that I listed in the last post cannot seem to be overcome by my internal battles. Ok, so what are you going to do?
I am going to have more structure in my days. Plan them out the night before. Decide what I am going to do, and then stick to it.
The other is to follow Virginia's advice and do work in 15 minute chunks. No matter how unpleasant, stressful and anxiety-inducing some task is, I can endure it for 15 minutes. She suggests the following rules:
1. Do 15 min. No more no less. Be working the whole time, with no distractions. If you hit a difficulty, or don't know what to do next, use the remaining time to think about the problem and try to find a solution, rather than give up.
2. Increases in work can only be in 15 minute chunks. Don't stretch it out to 20 or 30 min. If you have done 15 min, you can do it again. Take breaks in between for as long as you want, but gaurantee yourself 15 minutes.
3. Work at least 15 min every day. If you make this rule inviolate, there is nothing to think about. No negotiating, no games.
4. Don't think about the end result, concentrate on the pleasures of the work itself. Fantasies about what the end will look like can be good for planning (I think), but can be overwhelming or dispiriting.
I will also take K's advice, and have no more than 5 things to do every day. If one of these is exercise (which naturally takes more than 15 minutes), I am going to be planning to do 4 things of 15 minutes each. That is 1 hour of work. That doesn't sound like much. It sounds like a trifle. It sounds like a scandal! (One natural reason to keep this blog anonymous is that if they found out that I am going to try to get one hour of work done a day, and that this is hard for me, no-one would ever employ me!).
I want at least one of those 15 min to be reading, and one to be writing. The other two can be what they need to be: analysis, errands, whatever. This sounds easy, right?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What's the problem?
So what prompted this?
I read a thing. It was a paper by an academic who struggled with problems that sound so familiar to me. "Work problems". The problem of being unable to work, even though they have productive, meaningful, fulfilling work to do (as she says, this is a problem for the privileged). There are mental blocks preventing you from doing not only what you know you should be doing, but also that which you actually want to do. This is what I do (or rather, don't do). I really like my work, and I can't imagine doing anything else. I have great reasons to get on with it: I want to graduate in a few short months, and I want to get on with the next things in my life (like a real job). I won't be able to do those things unless I finish my thesis.
And yet, days go by where I do very, very little. Sometimes it feels like an accomplishment to do the basic chores of staying alive: getting out of bed, bathing, eating. If I manage to get to my office and sit down at the computer, I surf the internet for hours. I am always about to start. Always in preparation. Just this one last link.
Virginia identifies her problems. For her, there are issues of resentment, fear, etc, etc. Mine are similar from a distance, but differ in the detail. I have come to understand that three patterns of thought stop me from working:
Fear: I am afraid of doing well, and of doing badly. If I do badly at whatever I am trying to accomplish, I will let people down, and I will fail to live up to my potential. I will therefore be A WASTE. If I do well, I reinforce the false belief others have in me, and when I inevitably do badly, I will only let them down more. Either way, if I create something that I do think is quite good, it makes me vulnerable: someone could come along at any time and point out that I have constructed a house of cards. Then the whole thing comes down.
Complacency: The thing is, that doesn't seem to happen. I keep getting away with it! Its great! I leave it to the last minute, and then manage to lay some golden turd. I don't need to work hard. In fact I am most productive when I am under pressure, so it is best if things pile up anyway. That way I have no choice BUT to only prioritize the things that must get done, and the mere act of getting them done (under such pressure, phew!) is quite an achievement. Everyone thinks so. I am a BUSY PERSON, with important THINGS TO DO. In truth I am lazy, and spend most of my time slacking off. The fact that no-one seems to notice can only mean that when I am productive I am soooo much better than everyone else. Therefore, I can continue to be lazy, and things will always work out.
Addiction: I'm just going to see what is on reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb-reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb-reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb-reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb...
I read a thing. It was a paper by an academic who struggled with problems that sound so familiar to me. "Work problems". The problem of being unable to work, even though they have productive, meaningful, fulfilling work to do (as she says, this is a problem for the privileged). There are mental blocks preventing you from doing not only what you know you should be doing, but also that which you actually want to do. This is what I do (or rather, don't do). I really like my work, and I can't imagine doing anything else. I have great reasons to get on with it: I want to graduate in a few short months, and I want to get on with the next things in my life (like a real job). I won't be able to do those things unless I finish my thesis.
And yet, days go by where I do very, very little. Sometimes it feels like an accomplishment to do the basic chores of staying alive: getting out of bed, bathing, eating. If I manage to get to my office and sit down at the computer, I surf the internet for hours. I am always about to start. Always in preparation. Just this one last link.
Virginia identifies her problems. For her, there are issues of resentment, fear, etc, etc. Mine are similar from a distance, but differ in the detail. I have come to understand that three patterns of thought stop me from working:
Fear: I am afraid of doing well, and of doing badly. If I do badly at whatever I am trying to accomplish, I will let people down, and I will fail to live up to my potential. I will therefore be A WASTE. If I do well, I reinforce the false belief others have in me, and when I inevitably do badly, I will only let them down more. Either way, if I create something that I do think is quite good, it makes me vulnerable: someone could come along at any time and point out that I have constructed a house of cards. Then the whole thing comes down.
Complacency: The thing is, that doesn't seem to happen. I keep getting away with it! Its great! I leave it to the last minute, and then manage to lay some golden turd. I don't need to work hard. In fact I am most productive when I am under pressure, so it is best if things pile up anyway. That way I have no choice BUT to only prioritize the things that must get done, and the mere act of getting them done (under such pressure, phew!) is quite an achievement. Everyone thinks so. I am a BUSY PERSON, with important THINGS TO DO. In truth I am lazy, and spend most of my time slacking off. The fact that no-one seems to notice can only mean that when I am productive I am soooo much better than everyone else. Therefore, I can continue to be lazy, and things will always work out.
Addiction: I'm just going to see what is on reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb-reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb-reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb-reddit-hufpo-dailydish-fb...
Welcome to the clouds
This is one of the thousands of blogs out there with a readership of one. Why even put this up here, in the clouds? It's like painting a picture and putting it on display in an abandoned building that no-one ever comes to. What's the point?
Two things. One is to start something, everyday. To write, and engage, and feel the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. It is like a workout. Cardio. Low strain, but the benefits build up over time. This is practice - take pleasure in the work. Follow where it leads. The other is to finish something, everyday. A post must be posted. It doesn't languish in a file somewhere.
Perhaps someday there will be other goals. To write well? To record? To share with others? Eh, I'll hold off on such lofty goals for the moment, thank you. I've tried this sort of thing with such high expectations too many times before. Low expectations are so much more likely to be attempted, let alone met.
Two things. One is to start something, everyday. To write, and engage, and feel the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. It is like a workout. Cardio. Low strain, but the benefits build up over time. This is practice - take pleasure in the work. Follow where it leads. The other is to finish something, everyday. A post must be posted. It doesn't languish in a file somewhere.
Perhaps someday there will be other goals. To write well? To record? To share with others? Eh, I'll hold off on such lofty goals for the moment, thank you. I've tried this sort of thing with such high expectations too many times before. Low expectations are so much more likely to be attempted, let alone met.
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